Our Struggle

Let me just start by saying this is not a sob story and that by writing all this down I’m not looking for pity. In reality, I’m hoping it will be therapeutic to me.

Some of you know (and lots don’t) that Matt and I have been struggling with infertility for quite some time now. We have been “trying” to get pregnant for over 2 years. Many think our lack of children in by choice, but could not be farther from the truth! We both want to have a family more than anything else! After the first year passed, we decided that we should get tested to see if we could figure out what the problem was. We have both been through numerous (many painful!) tests that all show that there are no problems. I even had surgery last fall because my doc suspected that I had a “blocked tube”. Turns out I have a “text book” uterus (yes, a doc really said that to me… I’ve also heard that my uterus is “very pretty”, but that’s kinda creepy and weirded me out...) and everything is in its perfect state and all functioning correctly. So, we fall into like a .01% of people that have “unexplained infertility”.

We have seen many doctors and tried every method imaginable. I’ve taken clomid, have had hormone shots and we have done the IUI (intra-uterine-insemination) procedure 3 times, and after the last failure we were recommended to see a doctor specializing in reproductive endocrinology (aka the in-vetro doctor). I went in for my first appointment with the new doc in May. We talked about all the tests we’ve done and things we’ve tried that had brought us to this point. He examined me and I had yet another ultra sound (I have completely lost track of how many of these I’ve had… probably enough for 5 or 6 pregnancies). He also came to the conclusion that everything looked to be function correctly and in tip-top shape. I was then instructed to have Matt go in for more blood work and another semen analysis and I was to call in on my “day 1” to schedule blood work for “day 3”. Matt has been wonderful and went in for his testing and I waited for “day 1”.

To my total amazement and happiness “day 1” never came!!!! I took about 5 home pregnancy tests and they all came back positive! I was in total shock and in a state of total happiness (mostly that we were adding a new member to our family, but also that this happened without the in-vetro price tag)! I immediately called Matt; he was SO excited. We both told our families and a few friends, we wanted to wait a bit before making a public announcement.

Then, the worst happened. I noticed some spotting around week 8-ish. I called the doc and they seemed to think that the bleeding was “normal”. I was told to watch it and come in if it got worse or if I started having cramps. I kept telling myself that everything was normal and it was all going to be ok. Not quite a week later, while at work, I started to bleed again, this time a fair amount. I immediately left work and went to the doc. They took about an hour and a half to see me, but by that time Matt was able to be there. As they did the ultra sound, the doc was unable to find a heartbeat or even a fetus. I had an empty little sac in my uterus. We were completely crushed! I can’t even explain the depths of my sadness. They ran some blood work and I came back a week later for another ultra sound. At this time my doc decided that I should have a d & c to get me “all cleaned out”. I decided to go ahead with this because it was torture just sitting at work waiting to “miscarry”. This was last week and I’m still trying to recover. I think my uterus will recover much faster than my heart. Right now, I’m a mixture of emotions. I’m angry, I’m extremely sad, and I feel completely hopeless. I’m not trying to be a total downer, but I think I am entitled to my feelings right now. I know that miscarriages are unfortunately common and that I am not the first person to go through this, but this has been such a long and hard road for me and Matt.

So, what now? I don’t know.

Again, I am NOT looking for pity. I am just hoping that by writing this down I can get over it all and move on.

Thank you to all of you that have been praying for us. I’m sorry if this sounds selfish, but please don’t stop; my faith needs help right now.